Strategies I’m Using to Build Self-Love

Written By Val Malnar

In today’s episode I’m sharing some strategies I’m using to help build self-love.  This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember and I’ve finally found some ways to overcome this lack of love for myself.  I’ll be discussing……   

-         4 easy strategies I’m using to build self-love

-         How to build belief that you are loveable

-         An inspirational story about one woman’s impact on several young lives

-         Why it’s important to speak what’s on your heart

You can read the full transcript below OR listen to the podcast on Apple or Spotify.

PODCAST EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hey there peeps, welcome to another episode of lessons on happiness. Today, I'm going to talk to you about something that I've struggled with pretty much for as long as I can remember, and that is, self-love. The reason for me talking to you about this today is because I've learned some strategies on how to build self-love, and I want to share them with you in case this is something that you have had a challenge with in your life, and it's something that you'd like to overcome.

The first strategy is to give yourself a little bit of grace. And when I say yourself, I mean myself. But you too, if this is something that you want to try.  So normally, when I make a mistake, or I do something that I later regret, my go to, is to beat up on myself. Oh, you're such a loser. Why did you do that? You're so stupid. What were you thinking? All these negative things. But instead, I'm using the strategy of looking at it as, okay, let's grade it for what it's worth. It's a mistake. It's a mishap. It's not the end of the world.

So now, instead of beating up on myself, I've adopted the strategy of talking to myself like I’m my best friend. So if my best friend had come to me and told me about a mistake, a mishap, a misstep, then what would I say to her? Would I beat up on her? No, I would not. Instead, I would just tell her, you know what, I’d probably feel the same way. However, look at all these wonderful things about you. I would remind her that maybe not everybody else is thinking the things that she thinks they're thinking.

 

Let me give you an example because that might be easier.  So I'm a multi-passionate person, I'm interested in a lot of different things. I like to try new things. I can tend to get bored easily and so that's what keeps me trying the new things. And sometimes I think that people on the outside, think of me as flighty or flaky. Or I give up too soon, or I don't know what I want. I lack direction, all of these things. But is that what people are really thinking about me? I have no idea. I am forming those judgments myself.

 

 Which leads me to the next point, which is stop judging yourself so much. So now when I'm all up in my head, and I'm thinking all these negative things, I say to myself, okay wait, first of all, are these things true? Second of all, if they are true, are they true about me all of the time? Is that my normal behavior, and two, if it's not true, or it's unknown, I just tell myself that I'm making the story up in my head because of a judgment that I hold. It's like, I'm taking this program, this sort of self-development program. And I can't remember exactly what we were talking about. But we, but we started talking about like, self-belief or something like that. Oh, I remember what it was. We were talking about what is our scariest word? And my scariest word is stupid.

 

I always worry that people think I'm stupid. And so we all started talking about what our scariest word was. And it got me thinking, you know, if somebody said to me, you’re not funny, I'd be like, well, you just don't know me because I am funny. And I really am. I know you guys don't see that here on the podcast, because I don't really say funny things. But in real life, I'm funny. And, anyway, if someone said that to me, I wouldn't get upset because I know I'm funny.

 

So, why do I get upset if someone talks to me, like I'm stupid or don't know as much as they do? Or why is that my go to? Because it's a belief or a judgment I have of myself. Now, I don't know where that came from.  I have some ideas, but it's there. And so I have to remind myself that it's not true. So just to because I'm kind of going All over the place here, just to make sure that it's clear what my what the first three strategies are. One, give yourself grace to talk to yourself, like you’re your best friend, reassure yourself about all the wonderful things that you are, aside from the mistake you made. And three, stop judging yourself. And then this one is my favorite. And this is something that I'm newly starting to do. And I want to make it a practice to do every day. So the strategy is to list 50 things that I love about myself. And hopefully, I'll grow that list to 75 and to 100. And I'll keep growing the list. To be honest with you, it was hard for me to come up with 50 things. And I was able to do it after you know, spending some time with myself and really digging deep. But it didn't come as easily as I would have hoped.

 

And if you're sitting there going, You know what, I don't think I could come up with 50 things I love about myself either. Well, here are some areas of your life to look at to see where you could sort of build your list. So think about what kind of friend you are. Are you a supportive friend? Are you a lousy friend? If you're a lousy friend, don't put it on your list? If you’re great friend then put it on your list? And what kind of family member Are you like? Are you really great daughter? Are you a good sister? Are you a supportive mother? Are you an accepting aunt? Are you a really great pet owner? Look at the skills in your life that you have? What are you great at? write those things down? What do you have talents for? What are some experiences that you had that helped you grow as a person? What are some of your great personality traits or physical attributes? What are, look to your hobbies and your passions and your athletics to see where do you excel in those areas? Are there challenges that you have overcome? Do you have good self-care practices that you're proud of? Think about all the different areas of your life, and then write your list. And if you have a hard time making the list, then maybe reach out to some friends and family members and ask them each to list five things they really like about you. And you'll notice that a few things come up repeatedly. And when that happens, it will help to build your belief because why would more than one person say it if it were not true, right?

 

Now this isn't so that you rely on other people to build yourself love. Because really, bottom line is if you don't feel it, then you don't feel it. So regardless of what someone says it's not going to change your mind. But the the idea is that, like I said, if you're seeing it repeatedly amongst different people that will build your belief, and then you'll start to believe.



So I just want to share this one story. I remember years ago, my dad used to have this like little cardboard box that he would sort of throw important things in like receipts or just stuff he wanted to keep. And it was just a little small box, and I accidentally knocked it over one time and newspaper article fell out. And when I picked it up to put it back in the box, I noticed the date of it was that date was the date that I dropped to the box. So I was like, Oh, that's interesting. What are the chances that this newspaper clipping would fall out of this box on the day that I dropped the box? So weird. So anyways, I decided to read the article.

 

And I might get choked up telling you the story that I've told it so many times and every time it gets me but I'm going to try and get through it. So anyway, there was this teacher who was teaching a class full of students and the students were yelling and just being disruptive and not, you know, just not behaving. And the teacher became frustrated. I can't remember if it was a man or a woman. But anyway, it doesn't matter. And so I think it was a woman. So she said, Okay, kids sit down, we're going to do an activity. And so she made it she made everyone get out a piece of paper. And she said I want you to write the names of all your classmates down on a piece of paper. And beside each of their names, I want you to write one thing that you love about them. It gets me every time I told you.

 

So what happened was the energy of the room totally changed. And then the class.com Everyone was starting to like smile and be happier. And at the end of it, she said, I want everyone to, oh my gosh, it's get me every time. I want everyone to hand me the papers. And so all the kids handed her the papers, while she went home on the weekend, and she reviewed all the answers that people had said, and she created a page for each student in the class. And then on every page, she wrote the 30 things that all the other students said about that child, so that they had a list of 30 things that other people loved about what? So sorry, gets me every time.

 

So anyway, the newspaper clipping was from someone who had lost their son in an accident. And when his wallet was given to the parent, inside the wallet was this list of 30 things. So anyway, oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I'm, like falling apart here. But it's just so touching to me. You know, you never know the impact that you have on someone, which is why I'm doing this. I know, it's like, you know, it's just a podcast, a passion project. But I'm hoping that one thing I say, well, will help someone somewhere. So anyway, pull it together, bow. Um, so yeah, so anyways, that person, that kid kept that list with him for into adulthood, like he had gotten a car accident as an adult, and had kept his list with him for this whole time. So basically, this parent was writing in this article about how grateful she was to that teacher for doing that. Anyway. So. Um, so yeah, so I think it's like, super valuable to write these things down, and then review them on a regular basis, because we all have goodness inside of us. Just things have happened throughout our lives that have told us otherwise.

 

And we need to be reminded that we're good people, we need to remind ourselves of why we're good. What are the traits? What are the characteristics? What are what are all the good things about us. And I feel like if we do that, if we write it down, and we review it on on a regular basis, we'll start to see that in ourselves. And we'll start to see it in others too. And so that's what I wanted to share today, just four little ways that you could go about building some self-love.

 

And like I said, If you struggle with finding that within yourself, then definitely reach out to your family and friends and ask them to help you build your belief. That's all I've got. For now. I'm wishing you all a wonderful, beautiful life filled with love.

 

 Thanks so much for listening to the lessons on happiness podcast. If you'd like to know more about the information I'm sharing, or how I've become a happier person, check out the show notes, reach out to me on social or email me at Val at Val malnar.com. My goal is to help as many people as possible live happier lives. So if you've enjoyed this episode, please take a screenshot and share it on social and tag app Val Malnar so that we can reach far and wide. I'd also love your feedback. So please leave a review so that I can be sure to create more content that is helpful and resonates with you. Thanks again for tuning in. And until next time, wishing you happy vibes and big strides.

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Until next time, wishing you happy vibes & big strides,

RESOURCES THAT MIGHT HELP YOU:

MANAGING STRESS & ANXIETY: Growth Day

JOURNAL: Start Happy, Stay Happy Journal

MORE BOOKS: That have helped me

Val Malnar
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