TRUE Self-Worth : My First Epiphany of 2023

Written By Val Malnar

Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with your family and friends and you’re all geared up for an amazing 2023!   Last week I had a call with my book club and a friend shared an inspiring story that ended up being pretty profound for me and so I want to share it with you. On today’s blog and podcast, I’ll be sharing…….. 

-         What that story was

-         An epiphany I had regarding self-worth

-         Why some people struggle with self-worth

-        And how to improve self-worth if yours is lacking

You can read the blog below OR listen to the podcast on Apple, Spotify or Anchor.

The first thing I want to tell you is my friend Christie's story. And don't worry, I've gotten her permission to share this story with you, so I'm not betraying any kind of trust.

A STORY THAT INSPIRED AN EPIPHANY
Last week we had a book club meeting.  My friend Christie came to the meeting and told us a beautiful story.  Here’s the gist of it…..

Christie’s grandmother called her and said that she needed to see her right away and that it was important.

Christie immediately started to worry. Was her grandmother going to tell her she's dying, that she has cancer? Of course, Christie jumped to conclusions.  She made it a priority to go and see her grandmother as soon as possible.  She got there a few days later and when she got there, Christie asked,  “what's going on? What's happening with you?”

Her grandmother said she’d like to wait until everybody else got here, but Christie urged her to tell her the news as she’d been worried sick for days.

Her grandmother was sort of giddy which gave Christie some relief because it made her feel like nothing bad was happening since her grandma was clearly happy.

Christie insisted that her grandma tell her the news.

Her grandma said, “As of today, YOU ARE A MILLIONAIRE!!!!”

Her grandmother proceeded to tell her that when her dad died 12 years ago, there was a property that he wanted to split among the four siblings.  Christie’s aunt, who was in charge of the estate, held onto the property until just a little while ago and it appreciated in value. Christie’s grandma told her that her share of the inheritance was $1.8 million!!!!!


I was so incredibly happy for Christie. She is just the sweetest person and totally deserved to be rewarded in this way.


So anyway, the people who meet in this book club are mosty entrepreneurs and we often talk about our goals. Now that she had the money, we asked Christie what her goals were for 2023.  Christie said that her goal was to become a self-made millionaire and that really resonated with me.

It resonated with me because I thought it was interesting that she still wanted to become a “self-made” millionaire now that she already was a millionaire. I thought that usually when people want to achieve a high income it’s because they want to be able to afford the lifestyle that they desire. But she already had the money, so I wondered why would she still want to become a self-made millionaire?   Why not just focus on having a great lifestyle and work only as much as you need to?  I wondered all of this because I would have answered the question the exact same way and I wondered what her thought process was around that. So I asked her, “Why do you still want to become a self-made millionaire if you already have the millions?”

Christie paused for a moment and said, “I guess it's internal, I guess just to prove to myself that I can.” 

Interesting……That's exactly how I would respond.

Then I asked her, “Why do you need to prove it to yourself?”

I can't remember exactly what she said, but I was asking the question for myself really anyway and the answer I would give is “So that I could prove I was worth the money.”

Then I thought……if Christie achieves her goal of becoming a self-made millionaire, will I think more of her then than I do right now? The answer was no. Then I thought, will I value her friendship more? No again. Will I think that she's smarter? No. I already know that she's really smart. Will I think that she's better than she is right now? Still, the answer was no.

And then it hit me……..

If I think that Christie is a great person that is smart and wonderful, with or without becoming a self-made millionaire, then why the hell do I not think that about myself?

Why do I believe that I have to achieve great things to become worthy? Why do I believe that I won't be considered truly smart and successful until I've become a millionaire? And the answer came down to self-worth. Unless I achieve great things, I feel I’m not worthy of money, love, respect, or whatever else.

Why do I believe this? Is it true?

I started to wonder how other people define their self-worth and how self-worth is measured. So I did some research.

MEASURING  SELF-WORTH

The first thing I looked into was how to measure self-worth.  Let’s start with the definition. Simply put, self-worth is defined as value you place on yourself or the importance you give yourself.

Through research, I learned that it’s common for people to place value or importance on themselves based on external factors such as how they look, how many friends they have, who they know, their career, how much money they make or material possessions they own or the accolades they’ve received, etc.

This is definitely how I’ve been defining my self-worth over the years.  This is a problem because it means that if you take away any of these external things then it means I’ve lowered my value.   And I could actually argue with you that that’s true.

But then I thought more about it.  I thought about people I know that have a lot of self-worth and confidence and they don’t even have a career yet. Or people that I’ve worked with in the past that do the bare minimum and get paid more than I did.


I was also reminded of two girls I met when traveling Europe in my thirties.  These girls were beautiful, kind, confident and smart and they knew it!  I remember them talking about how they were headed to Ireland for university after our trip and how they were expecting to earn between $150,000-$200,000 in their first career.  I remember tuning them in saying, that they’re in for a rude awakening when they get out into the real world because that’s just not how it works.  They’re going to have to work their way up the ladder.  But they refused to accept that.  They were both from loving, supportive, affluent families and expected nothing less for themselves.  I’m not in touch with them now, but I often wonder if they achieved all of the success they forecasted for themselves.  I bet they did.


During my research, I learned that by merely existing, we are sufficient.  Let me say that again, just merely existing, we are sufficient. 

I wasn’t sure If I believed that so I had to think some more.  Then I thought about my grandma.  My very favourite person in the world growing up was my grandma.  She was old and a little chubby.  She didn’t have a job and most of her friends had moved away or passed on.  She was living off a small pension in a tiny home in a rural area.  She didn’t have a car or any fancy possessions, but I LOVED HER SO MUCH.  She loved me and cared for me so well.  She played with me, was proud of me and made me feel special.  To me, she had SO MUCH value even though she didn’t have much of any of the external things I already mentioned.  I defined her worth by her love and kindness toward me.  These are things that she innately was…..not achievements or possessions she obtained.  To me, she was perfect.


Since I defined my grandma’s worth by her natural character, I got thinking that it would make sense that I define myself by my natural character as well, but since I’m not a self-worth expert I did some more digging.
 
WHY PEOPLE STRUGGLE WITH SELF-WORTH
I found out that people who struggle with their self-worth usually do because of childhood trauma or abuse, bullying or repetitive negative messaging from authorities, media or other members of society.

I learned that people that have experienced these situations often de-value themselves as a result of their circumstances.  I’m not ready to share the personal details at this point, but I can confirm that the trauma, abuse and bullying I encountered in my childhood made me think I wasn’t worth much and so based on these findings I can conclude that other people must feel the same way.

HOW TO IMPROVE SELF-WORTH IF YOURS IS LACKING
Ok so what can we do improve our self-worth if we feel like it’s lacking?  Here are some ideas I found…..

1. Make a list of your strengths, gifts and talents.  Keep it handy so you can remind yourself regularly, especially when you’re feeling low.

2. Focus on the good within yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes, but focusing on mistakes and shortcomings will only perpetuate feelings of inadequacy. 

3. When you make a mistake or exhibit bad behavior give yourself some grace.  Talk to yourself like you would your best friend or child and then forgive yourself.

4. Evaluate yourself on your efforts and intentions rather than your performance.

5. Instead of focusing on a career title or an income goal, focus on how you can serve others and add value to the world.


6. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not bring you down.

7. Remember that by merely existing, you are sufficient. Accept yourself for who you are.  Remember that nobody is perfect and if you have negative qualities or behaviours, you can work on improving them.


I hope these ideas are helpful. I’m going to try them out myself.   I’m so grateful to Christie for sharing her story with me.  I feel I’ve uncovered something that has played a significant role in my life up until now.  The research and reflection I’ve done now has helped me see that true self-worth comes from within and just by being alive I am enough.  If you’ve ever struggled with self-worth, I hope you see this too and I hope you’ll take the time for yourself to try these strategies as you strive for more inner confidence. You’re worth it.

If you’d like to be notified each time an article or podcast comes out, please join my community. I’m dropping mini happiness lessons bi-weekly. I’d love for you to join the community.

I also want to invite you to download the free Start Happy Stay Happy Journal that I created to help you start each day off right and help to increase the likelihood of happiness and success in your life daily.

Until next time, wishing you happy vibes & big strides,

RESOURCES THAT HELPED ME & MIGHT HELP YOU:

STRESS & ANXIETY MANAGEMENT & MINDSET PRACTICE : Marley Rose Harris’ Manifestation Club

JOURNAL: Start Happy, Stay Happy Journal

Other Resources that helped me become happier

Val Malnar
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